Chronicles of a Break: The Decision
There comes a stage when we begin to question everything we have done so far in our lives. At least it happened for me. Did I make the right choices, have I designed my life in sync with what my heart really wants, how unique is the path that I have chosen for myself? With our demanding careers and the hustle that comes in a startup job, the feeling that the ‘real stuff’ is getting compromised and a life full of meaning is being overlooked is common. Not many speak about it. It is natural because it takes a lot of courage to defy what others are seemingly comfortable with.
I started having these thoughts exactly a year ago where irrespective of how much I loved the idea of working, being financially independent and growing in my career, I was exhausted and unsatisfied most of the weeks. Sometimes, even showing up at work felt like a drag. On top of it, my husband kept a busier schedule than me, contributing further to the feeling of burnout as we juggled for quality time together.
For a year, I lived with these feelings. After all, work was my primary identity. I had worked hard all these years to be where I am today. In my mind, what I did, defined who I am.
Also, like any other woman in her mid-30s, my default setting was to take the privilege of a paid break to recharge myself whenever motherhood comes knocking. One, it made economic sense — by law, I was financially protected during a maternity break. Second, it was the wiser choice professionally — to keep the gap between roles/companies as bare minimum. This was also essential to your rise up the ladder. After all, the only way to succeed we were told, was to climb that ladder (and not fall off!). To add to this, the mind raised fears of its own whenever I thought of taking a career break other than the obvious above route. What if the break gets prolonged — it will put brakes on all you have achieved so far. How will you stay relevant in that case — it will make returning back even tougher! This and many more thoughts continued to linger in my mind.
However, human realisations are often different than what years of conditioning have taught us. I started to feel that there was no end to what we were chasing, exhaustion was building up, there were multiple guilt trips with regards to personal health. Delaying a break was not making sense especially when the exhaustion resulted in poor sleep patterns and fragile mental health. This lifestyle was unsustainable. Why was I scared? Was the worry only financial -by the grace of god, we have more than what we need in our lives. Then what was holding me back?
Taking a break from working full-time — call it a sabbatical or a leave as you may — was a signal that you are not able to balance it all. Was that making me appear weak? Was I giving up or was I just upholding what mattered to me the most & shunning what others would think? I never knew this would seem as one of the biggest decisions to take about life. I couldn’t recall a time when taking a leap of faith felt so hard yet the right thing to do — both at the same time! I spoke to a lot of people with similar journeys to seek validation for my feelings.
Here I was, subverting all conventional wisdom available to a working woman and wanting to walk down an unknown path. I was about to take a break just for myself! To do things that I want. The thought felt exotic! And, hence I decided one fine day, to just take the plunge. I calculated my emergency funds, figured a 3–4 months break after working for 8 years won’t hurt. For the next 7–10 days, I rehearsed what I would tell my managers — I was scared as I was leading a large team — will my request be entertained, will I be asked to rethink my decision — yet deep down I knew, whatever the questions, I will find a way to counter them. I was clear I wanted to disconnect from the hustle of life — at least for the time being.
Interestingly, all this was again a figment of imagination of my overthinking brain! Conversations with both my direct & indirect managers was encouraging and they were supportive of my decision — no questions asked! They knew about my personal goals over years of our working together in the most demanding environment of our career spans. After the conversation, I felt immensely light, as if I have transcended all things material and figured what truly matters! However, I won’t deny that for the days that followed, I had second thoughts. Did I give up too easily — could I have figured out a way to balance it? But I managed to not let the head overpower the heart. Finally, after taking a month to wrap-up at work, I started my break this week.
What do I intend to do with this break? Well simply put, a lot of things that I was not getting the time to do earlier! I might begin my days reading or tending to my plants. Or I might finally push myself to go for that morning walk. Also maybe go to a coffee shop and write to my heart’s content? :-) Who knows! But a week into this break, my current state of mind is that everyone should do this! Everyone should take a stand about what eventually matters to them, everyone should be able to look into the mirror and see a happy face and everyone should take a break from whatever they are doing to pause, reflect, course-correct or go back to what they were doing. If nothing, the freedom you feel is worth much more than that penny we are trying to save.
If you liked this piece, please do not forget to spread the cheer by applauding. Every praise motivates :-) Also look forward to reading your experiences when you took a similar plunge!
